It feels like I never left this place and yet the memories of the times that are now long gone flood my mind with every breath I take. 

Nothing describes my current state better than the word surreal. I cannot quite comprehend what is going on and I don't know whether I want to. It is not as bad as I thought it would be but it never is really. Though maybe this time it will get worse, I simply have to wait until the new day comes with all its worries and concerns.

How long can one be running away from reality for? 

I know that avoiding and ignoring reality isn't the right thing to do but I simply cannot get myself together. I am aware of the fact that no one will help me but myself and that I need to work hard if I want a future. These thoughts never leave my mind but it can be so hard to face every day life. Though I don't think I'm being entirely honest here. I am afraid of what is ahead of me. I am not prepared. I haven't done everything I could. I haven't used my time wisely. At the end of the day it's all my fault. 

They say that you need to pinpoint the problem before you can deal with it. Here it is, loud and clear but how do I solve it, that I do not know. Starting from tomorrow I will have to face reality, I will have to deal with the things that I have been avoiding and there is no going back.

Пришло время спуститься с небес на землю. Главное, не жалей об упущенных возможностях и времени, которое не вернешь. В конце концов, если ты будешь смотреть назад, то ты сама себя будешь тормозить. No regrets they say; promise yourself not to regret anything. 

14 August 2014

I want this day to stay in my memory forever, hence you get a selfie. 

I'm not one for partying but tonight was awesome (okay, it wasn't a party as such, but the champagne was good). 

Ten cups of undrinkable coffee

I don't think there is anything that represents my life at the moment better than this:

Indeed, cups of coffee have become a necessity, whilst, alrhough, not The New York Times, but various books on politics, economics and of course philosophy, as well as BBC News, have become my most loyal companions. And all of this in the midst of summer holidays. You can preach about working hard in order to get into the university of my dreams all you want but sadly I'm in no mood to listen. I'm a teenager after all. I want and need some rest, some time to chillax. It has become a constant battle with myself and, truthfully, I don't know when it started and I can see no end to it, not in the near future anyway. 

It is exhausting to constantly feel stressed, to worry about every aspect of my life after the holiday. I've been told to learn to live in the moment but it's me we are talking about. I can get distracted (and hence procrastinate), I can hate myself for that (and that's exactly how I feel right now because why am I writing this while "Britain Since 1918" is waiting for me?) but I can't live in the moment. 

Anyhow, despite the fatigue that I'm feeling and the immense weight that I am currently trying to balance on my shoulders, I shall plough on. I'm tired but I'm not defeated, yet. 

Life is a funny thing and the world is too for that matter. What makes both even funnier is the Internet. With its initial purpose being to connect people, it's strangely disconcerting how it manages to distance them. 

We are able to access limitless informational resources, to track people and their lives but they (the people) still manage to disappear from this web. 

We all have different reasons for using the Internet and for giving it up for that matter. Even myself, several years ago I gave up twitter, Instagram, etc. Back then I didn't think it will affect anybody, I didn't realize someone might want me back. However, now I see that when you disappear there will be someone who will miss you, subconsciously or not. 

All of us have our own muses and when the muse begins to die or to disappear, we ourselves disappear (metaphorically of course). This is a hard concept to grasp and comprehend but this time comes for most if not all of us. We need to move one as we grow out of our old selves. I'm certain that if I look back at my very first posts in this blog, they will make me cringe but I also know that I don't want to delete them. Even when I leave this blog behind, I want it to be there, to hang around in the web in the hope that someone will come across it and might be interested. 

Sadly, there is rarely anything that can make you go back. Once you've given up on something, once you've lost your interest or grown out of it, it's hard to regain the passion. 

Now, having given my thoughts some structure, I can see why people leave but unfortunately I can't comprehend why they don't leave anything behind. What's the purpose in disappearing without leaving a legacy? Why is it so important to wipe everything out, every sign of your existence in this web? 

It will take me time to underhand this but I sincerely hope I will get to the bottom of it.