You say friends, I say bullsh*t

"I keep waiting in the dark for someone to come and save me 

And I've been holding on to something I can never change. 

We all search for higher ground 

When the world comes crashing down, but I know 

Nobody will come in to the dark and save me." 

Crown The Empire - Initiation

These are not just lyrics from a song, these words are a reality for me. I am stuck in a place where I have no one, virtually not a single person to come and "save" me. They say good friends will always be there for you. I say that this is a lie. I may be over-exaggerating, maybe I am as selfish as they are myself but for all I know, when someone matters to me I give them my hundred percent. I am willing to stay up all night on the phone to them because their life isn't going right, I am willing to run down a street with no shoes on just to find the friend, to hug her and tell her that her boyfriend is a jerk. I am equally ready to be unconditionally happy when her life is working itself out even if my own life is a mess. Believe it or not but I would do so much for a friend, I would go too far, I would sacrifice myself for her sake. But do you know how much it hurts when you realize that your friends won't do the same for you? When you realize that they are selfish and self-centred and deep inside they don't seem to care about you. When they are feeling down, your happiness doesn't matter. When you need help they don't offer it. Maybe I don't ask for it because I don't want to show my weaknesses but friends are there to find out, to do all they can to get to the truth and when they don't, it hurts. 

I don't even want to start talking about the number of times I've been let down by them, or about the numerous occasions when they would make blood boil beneath my skin, and even the time (or maybe a few) when I was called a bitch to my face by what people refer to as my best friend. What kind of friends are they? If this is friendship, I want none of it any more.

Maybe I want and expect too much but can I at least be treated as a human being instead of a soulless doll?

I am done with friendship. I am done with trying so hard to make them happy when I myself am miserable. If they can't help me now at a time when I need support from a real person, I don't need them at a time when I am happier. I made an effort when either of them weren't feeling that great, I came to them, spoke honestly to them. If they won't do this too me at a time when the divide between us is widening, then it's not my fault.

One does not simply go insane or does he?

I have definitely gone insane. Who in their right mind posts selfies in the middle of the night whilst contemplating how nice it would be to get into bed? Nevertheless, I am still up and trying to understand long-run supply in a perfectly competitive market and learn French vocab at the same time. 

I may delete this later or I may not. After all who actually reads any of this apart from you, bro ;)

Do you ever feel like you are losing the sense of what is real? It comes from within you, from the way in which you live. A lack of sleep becomes habitual - you don't even feel tired any more. There are days when you starve yourself and then there are those where you eat like there's no tomorrow. Days where you study until you can't think straight and those when you don't see the point. Through all of this you start looking on life in a simpler way. You no longer get irritated by trivial things which used to make you stressed. However, you also lash out on people. It seems like you've had too much of contact with them. You smile at them while scowling inside. Slowly you build up walls because they don't understand, they never will and you don't particularly want them to. Maybe they will try to knock the walls down. You know you've tried to do it with their own walls but you doubt that they ever appreciated your efforts. You are tired of trying. What is left is staying up past midnight and hoping that everything that you are doing is not for nothing. 

Now I'm stuck in a reality where I need to get shit done. Farewell to the sea and sun of the Bahamas and even to the cold snowy streets of my hometown. Now it's grey skies, endless rain and a never ending list of things to do. 

Why is reality so hard to accept sometime?