Your World or Song of Myself or Nonsensical Nonsense or Call It What You May

This post has been in my head for days. Now that I am sitting and trying to write, I realise that I have no idea how to start it, nor how to build it up, nor how to end it. I guess, as usual, I will go with the flow and see where it takes me.

I could not have imagined that this day would come this soon. It is almost a year ago that I found an amazing blog and then I read the last post which was essentially a goodbye, an explanation of why the blog will not be updated again (ever). I was strongly affected (yes, affected, because I honestly have no other way of putting it since it is neither positive nor negative feeling that I felt (and still feel), it was rather an emptiness) by the way she talked about her muse dying and her life moving on. In my mind I instantaneously had an image of my blog. Although it is not read by many people, it still has a very special place in my heart and in my life. I thought that it will take me several years before I will be at a stage when I am ready to, well, give it up. How wrong I was.

It would be wrong to say that my muse is dying. On the contrary, for once in a long time I am actually on target and trying to achieve my goal, so dedication is not gone yet. However, over the years, this blog has changed, evolved, transformed and I actually feel that it no longer has a purpose. Over the past months it has been a struggle for me to write even one post a month (this has been my perpetual goal) and even if I wrote something it was usually a quote, a photograph, basically not my writing at all. Then, somehow something clicked in my head and I realised that maybe it is time to move on. 

I doubt that anyone will feel any emotions in relations to this, I doubt many of you will read this but you have to understand that I am filled with poignancy writing this but I feel that saying goodbye to this blog is for the best. I don't know if I will ever return and write a couple more posts or whether this is it, the end, but I will definitely look back on what I have written over the years and I will laugh at my silly younger self, and I will also feel sad with her remembering the toughest times. I have loved having a blog, writing in it, writing for others (because, really, anything we write is always for someone) but I am ready to let go.

This is not the end neither for me, nor for you. There is so much more in this world for us to discover so let's go and make the best of our lives.

P.S. Some incredible words I feel I have to share with you.

Georgia Douglas Johnson - Your World

Your world is as big as you make it. 

I know, for I used to abide

In the narrowest nest in a corner, 

My wings pressing close to my side. 

But I sighted the distant horizon 

Where the skyline encircled the sea 

And I throbbed with a burning desire 

To travel this immensity. 

I battered the cordons around me 

And cradled my wings on the breeze, 

Then soared to the uttermost reaches 

With rapture, with power, with ease!

Walt Whitman - Song of Myself (Verse 52, stanza 7)

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, 
Missing me one place search another, 
I stop somewhere waiting for you.

P.P.S. Please forgive me for all the typos that you have seen in my posts over the years. I don't tend to re-read my posts before publishing them... I hope that this one is not as terrible as the others.

HT

Before April is over I need to remind myself that life isn't always that bad. As they say, do more of what makes you happy (even if that involves staring at a photo of yourself smiling alongside a friend). 

We do things we don't want to impress people we don't know.

Espresso logic

Sometimes you just want to be by yourself with a cup of black coffee because people can be difficult.

Ambiguity

I should have seriously applied to do photography at uni because who else rather than a photographer be up until 1am editing photographs?

On a more positive note, however, I had a brief chance to photograph an exhibition by a very talented young artist Fleur Yearsely. I don't usually like modern art but something about her paintings captivated me. It was virtually impossible to take my eyes off of them with the multitude of colours taking my breath away and sending my thoughts flying in every possible direction. Fleur is truly brilliant - such a tiny lady producing such great pieces of art (both in quality and in size).

"I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

Ernest Hemingway

Do you ever feel like you've made all the wrong decisions in life?

No other place like this

All of us have a favorite place. Somewhere we go to clear our minds, forget the day-to-day worries, to be alone with ourselves. For me it is a bench outside the Priory. I don't know what it is about it that makes it so special but when the sky is bright blue, the sun is shining and the air is crisp, it is the one place I long to go to. Sitting on my own, I listen to a mixture of sounds - cars passing by and traffic lights beeping, birds singing and squirrels running on the tree branches, the footsteps of an occasional passer by accompanied by a dog. Sometimes, though, everything goes quiet and it seems like there is no one else in the world but myself. Even the birds and squirrels do not dare make a sound. This is when I love my place the most. I can stare at the sky and allow my thoughts to wander, I can breathe in freely not feeling weighed down by the worries of today, I can sit still and live right now, in this moment. For me little escapades like this are rare which makes them all the more precious. They are the one thing I will miss when the time comes for me to leave. 

You say friends, I say bullsh*t

"I keep waiting in the dark for someone to come and save me 

And I've been holding on to something I can never change. 

We all search for higher ground 

When the world comes crashing down, but I know 

Nobody will come in to the dark and save me." 

Crown The Empire - Initiation

These are not just lyrics from a song, these words are a reality for me. I am stuck in a place where I have no one, virtually not a single person to come and "save" me. They say good friends will always be there for you. I say that this is a lie. I may be over-exaggerating, maybe I am as selfish as they are myself but for all I know, when someone matters to me I give them my hundred percent. I am willing to stay up all night on the phone to them because their life isn't going right, I am willing to run down a street with no shoes on just to find the friend, to hug her and tell her that her boyfriend is a jerk. I am equally ready to be unconditionally happy when her life is working itself out even if my own life is a mess. Believe it or not but I would do so much for a friend, I would go too far, I would sacrifice myself for her sake. But do you know how much it hurts when you realize that your friends won't do the same for you? When you realize that they are selfish and self-centred and deep inside they don't seem to care about you. When they are feeling down, your happiness doesn't matter. When you need help they don't offer it. Maybe I don't ask for it because I don't want to show my weaknesses but friends are there to find out, to do all they can to get to the truth and when they don't, it hurts. 

I don't even want to start talking about the number of times I've been let down by them, or about the numerous occasions when they would make blood boil beneath my skin, and even the time (or maybe a few) when I was called a bitch to my face by what people refer to as my best friend. What kind of friends are they? If this is friendship, I want none of it any more.

Maybe I want and expect too much but can I at least be treated as a human being instead of a soulless doll?

I am done with friendship. I am done with trying so hard to make them happy when I myself am miserable. If they can't help me now at a time when I need support from a real person, I don't need them at a time when I am happier. I made an effort when either of them weren't feeling that great, I came to them, spoke honestly to them. If they won't do this too me at a time when the divide between us is widening, then it's not my fault.

One does not simply go insane or does he?

I have definitely gone insane. Who in their right mind posts selfies in the middle of the night whilst contemplating how nice it would be to get into bed? Nevertheless, I am still up and trying to understand long-run supply in a perfectly competitive market and learn French vocab at the same time. 

I may delete this later or I may not. After all who actually reads any of this apart from you, bro ;)

Do you ever feel like you are losing the sense of what is real? It comes from within you, from the way in which you live. A lack of sleep becomes habitual - you don't even feel tired any more. There are days when you starve yourself and then there are those where you eat like there's no tomorrow. Days where you study until you can't think straight and those when you don't see the point. Through all of this you start looking on life in a simpler way. You no longer get irritated by trivial things which used to make you stressed. However, you also lash out on people. It seems like you've had too much of contact with them. You smile at them while scowling inside. Slowly you build up walls because they don't understand, they never will and you don't particularly want them to. Maybe they will try to knock the walls down. You know you've tried to do it with their own walls but you doubt that they ever appreciated your efforts. You are tired of trying. What is left is staying up past midnight and hoping that everything that you are doing is not for nothing. 

Now I'm stuck in a reality where I need to get shit done. Farewell to the sea and sun of the Bahamas and even to the cold snowy streets of my hometown. Now it's grey skies, endless rain and a never ending list of things to do. 

Why is reality so hard to accept sometime?